I wish there was an app for this

 How easy it it to post on here? Logging in on safari? I must have used this on my laptop and not so much my phone back in the day. I had fun reading through many of my old posts. Looks like I wrote some great lyrics. I woke up with a painful UTI. I started cleaning my house. Ate a piece of toast. Watching a video to study astrology... hearing about the fire signs. I would love to journal here more again. My handwriting is impossible to read... typing there is never a problem. I can feel my eyes wanting to drift close, but my pain is sharp and persistent. One thing I want to keep doing is writing poetry and also writing what I discover about the signs. Fire signs are sure a great place to start. How do I add a photo on here?? I do not even know anymore. 

Okay I figured it out. Except yes it’s harder to add a photo on my phone over if I was using a laptop. Wow that photo was very old. But I really love it. I love my intense stare. Scorpio risings are supposed to have the most notable eyes. I can see it in my photos now. 

Gratitude

I'm thankful for this house and incense and hikes in the woods and a phone 

Smiles

I love sunshine!!!!! August is such a glorious month, I am so so happy.

Today

I want to take more steps to better my life. I want to continue to have a lesser impact on the earth by focusing on being sustainable, reusing items, consuming/buying less, and limiting use of resources like water and electricity.

I also want to find an inner peace through deep breathing, self care, positive affirmations and centering. 

I want to feel strong and powerful as a woman, I want to feel inspired and set free, and I want to feel that I can accomplish my goals while still being a nurturing mother. 

I want to give out love and give back to the earth while honoring my peace and my faith. 

You ignore me and amadie almost all morning and then you start a load of laundry and I'm the one that puts it in the dryer and then I leave since you made it clear you wanted us gone and then I get home after texting you a few times and being ignored and the clothes are still in the dryer. I have to put away all the clothes and then finally when I get texts from you they are rude and uninviting. When I sent you a pic of us girls saying we miss you, ignored again.

Why the fuck would I want to give you all the sexual pleasure you want all the time when you treat me like I'm unworthy and below you all the time?

You're a real dick a lot.

When I tell you something and you just stare straight ahead and then in a flat sarcastic tone say "cool" I know you are annoyed with me.

When I tell you I want to visit a snowy place some day and then you mock me in a voice saying "you want to visit a snowy place?" I know you are judging me.

When I tell you I'm excited to get a tree today and you say "you're not just depressed you're not in a snowy place?" I know it's more mockery.

When you get irritated about me telling you my dreams and you say "why don't you one day when I'm not in school in January say "let's go to the mountain" I can sense that you hate me telling you about my goals and desires.

I feel so disrespected by you sometimes it makes me sick. 

Thoughts

I don't think I see myself clearly at all and my identity is definitely mixed up.

I recently started a journal with an outside of my different years because I think it's important for me to write about big past events, positive or negative that shape who I am. 

I have trouble finding the grey in myself, I either have a tendency to feel bad and focus on all my negatives or get super motivated and desire to have all the best qualities possible. 

Again, there's two sides of myself that I can see... A major part of me dreams and hopes I can be this confident, stable, compassionate, generous, and experienced woman by my 30s. Someone who doesn't worry so much and someone who accepts herself as much as she accepts others, flaws and strengths included.

But I do worry that my mental health will consume me and I won't be able to end or liberate my mindset. All I can do is try and stay focused 

Overall though, I still feel that I am pretty hopeful. As negative as I can be in some moments, I do believe that Mike is a good person, we won't get divorced, amadie is growing up in a good environment and she will probably turn out just fine. I have faith and believe that soon we will be able to get a house, accomplish more dreams and goals, including several travels I've recently been meditating on. 

No matter how frustrated or stuck I sometimes feel in the moment, I see the big picture of the universe and believe that I'm on a good path and I can continue to make choices that will make my life full and rich. 

Yeah it's like if I could find a middle ground and just like who I am and what I do- mistakes and successes, but can spend more time focusing on how to help others and bless them, yet without draining my own energy because I've got a respect for myself- that would truly be living. 

I just have to remember that having confidence doesn't mean I need to have an ego I just need to be more content and grateful for what I have and who I am. Instead of feeling like I failed 😑