Thoughts

I don't think I see myself clearly at all and my identity is definitely mixed up.

I recently started a journal with an outside of my different years because I think it's important for me to write about big past events, positive or negative that shape who I am. 

I have trouble finding the grey in myself, I either have a tendency to feel bad and focus on all my negatives or get super motivated and desire to have all the best qualities possible. 

Again, there's two sides of myself that I can see... A major part of me dreams and hopes I can be this confident, stable, compassionate, generous, and experienced woman by my 30s. Someone who doesn't worry so much and someone who accepts herself as much as she accepts others, flaws and strengths included.

But I do worry that my mental health will consume me and I won't be able to end or liberate my mindset. All I can do is try and stay focused 

Overall though, I still feel that I am pretty hopeful. As negative as I can be in some moments, I do believe that Mike is a good person, we won't get divorced, amadie is growing up in a good environment and she will probably turn out just fine. I have faith and believe that soon we will be able to get a house, accomplish more dreams and goals, including several travels I've recently been meditating on. 

No matter how frustrated or stuck I sometimes feel in the moment, I see the big picture of the universe and believe that I'm on a good path and I can continue to make choices that will make my life full and rich. 

Yeah it's like if I could find a middle ground and just like who I am and what I do- mistakes and successes, but can spend more time focusing on how to help others and bless them, yet without draining my own energy because I've got a respect for myself- that would truly be living. 

I just have to remember that having confidence doesn't mean I need to have an ego I just need to be more content and grateful for what I have and who I am. Instead of feeling like I failed 😑