I think I have such a problem being alone because I hate myself. I hate all the things I've done and who I am and so many things about me. I'm the last person I want to spend time with.
I'm ugly and rude and useless and stupid and everyone else is so much more interesting.
Being alone is like near death for me. Hell is literally walking around by myself for days and days.
Mike being out socializing and having a good time with someone else while in alone means I'm a loser and a loner and a rotten person. It means I am unloved and undeserving of anything good.
I don't want to sit and think about myself or who I am, I want distractions and connection with others at all times.
I would love a cat or a dog or a baby in my bed with me. Being with others means community and love and involvement and safety. I love the idea of having someone by my side at all times. Being alone is so creepy and weird. What if something terrible happens? Why is it so cold in here? Why won't this muscle relaxer settle in?
Mike probably finds everyone else more attractive than me. Why he is still with me I do not know. I'm a terrible wife for him and probably a bad mother to amadie and I just want to die. I might go try and sleep on the couch with Netflix on. Someone once told me that the couch will keep me warmer at night when he's gone. Someone offered to come over but that wouldn't be a good idea. I had better just build up a little bed and put a movie on and hopefully I can drift to sleep.
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