I'm so confused and scared that I'm making a bad choice. That I will regret this. That I'm not ending up with the right person. There's so many things I love and care about him, but is he who I need? Is the problem that I need someone anyway? Will I just run into these problems regardless of whom I am with?
I so desperately just want to feel so loved. My love language is touch and I want to be kissed and held. It's such a struggle because I should be thankful for the acts of service and the online verbal affirmations, but I just don't feel like a niceness from him.
Like he's always just annoyed and irritated with me. That he's better than me and knows more. That I'm not good enough or interesting or strong enough and I'm failure in his eyes.
Sometimes I feel like I want him to see me as a whole new person.
I fucking hate this stupid hunting thing. It's so dumb and I'm over it.
I must start hiking more and eventually going to the gym too and being healthy and fit and vivacious. I will have to leave him behind. He can't show me love or grace. I have to foster it and find it elsewhere. I have to meditate on the truth of Gods words and believe that I am valued loved and worthy by Jesus alone. I don't need physical assurance. I don't need a body to keep me warm. I long for a son so bad. I wish I could have a son who loved me and cared for me and wanted to really appreciate and treasure me. I want to be treasured and honored and respected. I'm so alone right now except for my angels. I have to keep faith and not worry or stress.
I'm just so dependent. I'm bad at being alone and not relying on another person especially a man. I've been a terrible user of men- wanting and needing all their attention and doting on me. But I'm always happy to give right back what I receive. God please hear my prayer and help me to feel comfort and love and peace even in this cold lonely bed.
No comments:
Post a Comment