You ignore me and amadie almost all morning and then you start a load of laundry and I'm the one that puts it in the dryer and then I leave since you made it clear you wanted us gone and then I get home after texting you a few times and being ignored and the clothes are still in the dryer. I have to put away all the clothes and then finally when I get texts from you they are rude and uninviting. When I sent you a pic of us girls saying we miss you, ignored again.

Why the fuck would I want to give you all the sexual pleasure you want all the time when you treat me like I'm unworthy and below you all the time?

You're a real dick a lot.

When I tell you something and you just stare straight ahead and then in a flat sarcastic tone say "cool" I know you are annoyed with me.

When I tell you I want to visit a snowy place some day and then you mock me in a voice saying "you want to visit a snowy place?" I know you are judging me.

When I tell you I'm excited to get a tree today and you say "you're not just depressed you're not in a snowy place?" I know it's more mockery.

When you get irritated about me telling you my dreams and you say "why don't you one day when I'm not in school in January say "let's go to the mountain" I can sense that you hate me telling you about my goals and desires.

I feel so disrespected by you sometimes it makes me sick. 

Thoughts

I don't think I see myself clearly at all and my identity is definitely mixed up.

I recently started a journal with an outside of my different years because I think it's important for me to write about big past events, positive or negative that shape who I am. 

I have trouble finding the grey in myself, I either have a tendency to feel bad and focus on all my negatives or get super motivated and desire to have all the best qualities possible. 

Again, there's two sides of myself that I can see... A major part of me dreams and hopes I can be this confident, stable, compassionate, generous, and experienced woman by my 30s. Someone who doesn't worry so much and someone who accepts herself as much as she accepts others, flaws and strengths included.

But I do worry that my mental health will consume me and I won't be able to end or liberate my mindset. All I can do is try and stay focused 

Overall though, I still feel that I am pretty hopeful. As negative as I can be in some moments, I do believe that Mike is a good person, we won't get divorced, amadie is growing up in a good environment and she will probably turn out just fine. I have faith and believe that soon we will be able to get a house, accomplish more dreams and goals, including several travels I've recently been meditating on. 

No matter how frustrated or stuck I sometimes feel in the moment, I see the big picture of the universe and believe that I'm on a good path and I can continue to make choices that will make my life full and rich. 

Yeah it's like if I could find a middle ground and just like who I am and what I do- mistakes and successes, but can spend more time focusing on how to help others and bless them, yet without draining my own energy because I've got a respect for myself- that would truly be living. 

I just have to remember that having confidence doesn't mean I need to have an ego I just need to be more content and grateful for what I have and who I am. Instead of feeling like I failed 😑

Another day

When I felt like I've been ditched. Mike has barely worked all week, he decides to spend all day on a project and I must stay at home with amadie. He is always excited to go out duck hunting but never wants to go hiking or exploring or out with us girls. He's got the ultimate freedom and ability to choose.

Solitude hate

I hate being alone in my bed because it's cold and quiet and nothing sounds good and I can't get the movie to play. I can't stand the silence and I can't stand being with myself.

I think I have such a problem being alone because I hate myself. I hate all the things I've done and who I am and so many things about me. I'm the last person I want to spend time with.

I'm ugly and rude and useless and stupid and everyone else is so much more interesting. 

Being alone is like near death for me. Hell is literally walking around by myself for days and days. 

Mike being out socializing and having a good time with someone else while in alone means I'm a loser and a loner and a rotten person. It means I am unloved and undeserving of anything good. 

I don't want to sit and think about myself or who I am, I want distractions and connection with others at all times.

I would love a cat or a dog or a baby in my bed with me. Being with others means community and love and involvement and safety. I love the idea of having someone by my side at all times. Being alone is so creepy and weird. What if something terrible happens? Why is it so cold in here? Why won't this muscle relaxer settle in?

Mike probably finds everyone else more attractive than me. Why he is still with me I do not know. I'm a terrible wife for him and probably a bad mother to amadie and I just want to die. I might go try and sleep on the couch with Netflix on. Someone once told me that the couch will keep me warmer at night when he's gone. Someone offered to come over but that wouldn't be a good idea. I had better just build up a little bed and put a movie on and hopefully I can drift to sleep. 

After my intense car accident:

She told me to connect to my root chakras. She asked me to really sit down with myself and contemplate what emotional blockage I was holding onto. She explained there was a lot of energy held in my arms that was causing pain in my upper back. My neck and lower back hold a lot as well. She said she felt that I needed to find out what my heart was holding onto, some emotional pain or stress that keeps me from growth. She said to find an essential oil to assist me. I believe the one I recently felt drawn to and bought, Rosemary, was exactly what I need for now. 

I hold onto so much stress from my past. Fear, and insecurity. Fear of rejection and fear of being hated. I knew at one point how much I was loved and I believe once I became more involved in *that culture* that they could see right through me. I wasn't all love and peace but scared, anxious, and nervous. I felt they were judging me and hating me. I felt that I would never truly fit in. That I was an outsider towards the group I so desperately wanted to belong. 

I learned many of these people just want drugs. They were so consumed with altering their reality that being in touch with those around them had diminished. I could not sustain such an existence. As much as I adored spiritual places and outside perspectives, I couldn't just rely on acid, marijuana, and alcohol for sustenance. No sleep, just music. No nutrition, just substance. No rest, just hype. 

Maybe I need to look at what was positive though. I must look back at my emotional traumas of life, such as childhood incidences, relationships that scarred, and *that culture* for ways on how I grew and learned. I must see the world as I used to. That it loves and cares for me. That God touches and adores every one of us, and He can be seen in every person. 

I need my healing to began.