Thoughts

I don't think I see myself clearly at all and my identity is definitely mixed up.

I recently started a journal with an outside of my different years because I think it's important for me to write about big past events, positive or negative that shape who I am. 

I have trouble finding the grey in myself, I either have a tendency to feel bad and focus on all my negatives or get super motivated and desire to have all the best qualities possible. 

Again, there's two sides of myself that I can see... A major part of me dreams and hopes I can be this confident, stable, compassionate, generous, and experienced woman by my 30s. Someone who doesn't worry so much and someone who accepts herself as much as she accepts others, flaws and strengths included.

But I do worry that my mental health will consume me and I won't be able to end or liberate my mindset. All I can do is try and stay focused 

Overall though, I still feel that I am pretty hopeful. As negative as I can be in some moments, I do believe that Mike is a good person, we won't get divorced, amadie is growing up in a good environment and she will probably turn out just fine. I have faith and believe that soon we will be able to get a house, accomplish more dreams and goals, including several travels I've recently been meditating on. 

No matter how frustrated or stuck I sometimes feel in the moment, I see the big picture of the universe and believe that I'm on a good path and I can continue to make choices that will make my life full and rich. 

Yeah it's like if I could find a middle ground and just like who I am and what I do- mistakes and successes, but can spend more time focusing on how to help others and bless them, yet without draining my own energy because I've got a respect for myself- that would truly be living. 

I just have to remember that having confidence doesn't mean I need to have an ego I just need to be more content and grateful for what I have and who I am. Instead of feeling like I failed 😑

Another day

When I felt like I've been ditched. Mike has barely worked all week, he decides to spend all day on a project and I must stay at home with amadie. He is always excited to go out duck hunting but never wants to go hiking or exploring or out with us girls. He's got the ultimate freedom and ability to choose.

Solitude hate

I hate being alone in my bed because it's cold and quiet and nothing sounds good and I can't get the movie to play. I can't stand the silence and I can't stand being with myself.

I think I have such a problem being alone because I hate myself. I hate all the things I've done and who I am and so many things about me. I'm the last person I want to spend time with.

I'm ugly and rude and useless and stupid and everyone else is so much more interesting. 

Being alone is like near death for me. Hell is literally walking around by myself for days and days. 

Mike being out socializing and having a good time with someone else while in alone means I'm a loser and a loner and a rotten person. It means I am unloved and undeserving of anything good. 

I don't want to sit and think about myself or who I am, I want distractions and connection with others at all times.

I would love a cat or a dog or a baby in my bed with me. Being with others means community and love and involvement and safety. I love the idea of having someone by my side at all times. Being alone is so creepy and weird. What if something terrible happens? Why is it so cold in here? Why won't this muscle relaxer settle in?

Mike probably finds everyone else more attractive than me. Why he is still with me I do not know. I'm a terrible wife for him and probably a bad mother to amadie and I just want to die. I might go try and sleep on the couch with Netflix on. Someone once told me that the couch will keep me warmer at night when he's gone. Someone offered to come over but that wouldn't be a good idea. I had better just build up a little bed and put a movie on and hopefully I can drift to sleep. 

After my intense car accident:

She told me to connect to my root chakras. She asked me to really sit down with myself and contemplate what emotional blockage I was holding onto. She explained there was a lot of energy held in my arms that was causing pain in my upper back. My neck and lower back hold a lot as well. She said she felt that I needed to find out what my heart was holding onto, some emotional pain or stress that keeps me from growth. She said to find an essential oil to assist me. I believe the one I recently felt drawn to and bought, Rosemary, was exactly what I need for now. 

I hold onto so much stress from my past. Fear, and insecurity. Fear of rejection and fear of being hated. I knew at one point how much I was loved and I believe once I became more involved in *that culture* that they could see right through me. I wasn't all love and peace but scared, anxious, and nervous. I felt they were judging me and hating me. I felt that I would never truly fit in. That I was an outsider towards the group I so desperately wanted to belong. 

I learned many of these people just want drugs. They were so consumed with altering their reality that being in touch with those around them had diminished. I could not sustain such an existence. As much as I adored spiritual places and outside perspectives, I couldn't just rely on acid, marijuana, and alcohol for sustenance. No sleep, just music. No nutrition, just substance. No rest, just hype. 

Maybe I need to look at what was positive though. I must look back at my emotional traumas of life, such as childhood incidences, relationships that scarred, and *that culture* for ways on how I grew and learned. I must see the world as I used to. That it loves and cares for me. That God touches and adores every one of us, and He can be seen in every person. 

I need my healing to began. 

Fear

I hate fear. It seems like it's the worst emotion, the complete opposite of love. But sometimes fear overwhelms me and I'm supposed to be praying and asking God for strength but I can't see how it will happen. 

I'm so confused and scared that I'm making a bad choice. That I will regret this. That I'm not ending up with the right person. There's so many things I love and care about him, but is he who I need? Is the problem that I need someone anyway? Will I just run into these problems regardless of whom I am with?

I so desperately just want to feel so loved. My love language is touch and I want to be kissed and held. It's such a struggle because I should be thankful for the acts of service and the online verbal affirmations, but I just don't feel like a niceness from him. 

Like he's always just annoyed and irritated with me. That he's better than me and knows more. That I'm not good enough or interesting or strong enough and I'm failure in his eyes. 

Sometimes I feel like I want him to see me as a whole new person.

I fucking hate this stupid hunting thing. It's so dumb and I'm over it.

I must start hiking more and eventually going to the gym too and being healthy and fit and vivacious. I will have to leave him behind. He can't show me love or grace. I have to foster it and find it elsewhere. I have to meditate on the truth of Gods words and believe that I am valued loved and worthy by Jesus alone. I don't need physical assurance. I don't need a body to keep me warm. I long for a son so bad. I wish I could have a son who loved me and cared for me and wanted to really appreciate and treasure me. I want to be treasured and honored and respected. I'm so alone right now except for my angels. I have to keep faith and not worry or stress. 

I'm just so dependent. I'm bad at being alone and not relying on another person especially a man. I've been a terrible user of men- wanting and needing all their attention and doting on me. But I'm always happy to give right back what I receive. God please hear my prayer and help me to feel comfort and love and peace even in this cold lonely bed. 

I will conquer and climb this steep mountain.
I will become that overflowing with joy fountain.
I can suceed with every breath, every muscle, and every bone.
I have support surroudning me, I discovered that I'm not alone.
The Father Sky watches over me, providing light for my feet.
Mother Earth holds me close, she lends me a cozy seat.
Brother trees stand tall, offering their trustworthy protection.
Sister river calls out to me, showing me a peaceful reflection,
The wind ignites my heart and my skin, an invigorating chill.
The solid rocks let me stand on them, I feel a true thrill.
A thrill to be free, a thrill to explore and feel so alive.
I want to feel strong, powerful, and steadfast to thrive.
Not uttering a word, not needing to talk or give up a sound.
It's a comforting and serene inner silence I have found.
I listen to the nature, it's birds, the wind in the trees
Being in the forest, so safe and loved, I no longer have needs.

5 things

In keeping with my class, Mind Body Health, every week I want to continue to write five great things that happened the last week.
1) I got to try on wedding dresses and I found my dream dress.
2) I got plenty of cash tips.
3) I got to go have dinner and see a movie with my fiance.
4) We got to go take pictures with Santa and it went very well.
5) Oregon Ducks won their football
6) We put up our brand new tv and it looks so nice!
7) My mother in law offered to pay for all the food for our wedding!
8) I'm doing a 30 day yoga challenge and I finished day 6 today!

Jeez I guess I could keep going. I am so excited I also got back some of my engagement photos and they turned out lovely.