Sigh

 I like her. And dude behind her. I also spend way too much time

checking out hippies (modern + vintage) and wishing I was them.

I know I haven't updated in a while.....

I have definitely gotten off track in life.

Funny thing is one of my last posts was about incorporating positive aspects into my life...and blogging about them, thus making them happen. But of course as winter droned on, I found the comfort of my bed more appealing and I have not accomplished much, if anything this season.

At least I have been working my barista job. And maintaining my little Dreadlock, which I affectionately call Amani (peace in Swahili). I can say I also applied for financial aid and have been actively helping out Epikos's drama team. Dated *cough*fucked*cough* a few dudes......whats ironic is I was discussing to my sweet friend the issue of who to choose between them...when BAM both of them end up being not so great. Bye bye, see you later. But I like this single freedom. And as impossible as it may seem for me, I do actually want to remain abstinent. Man I've slept with enough people and had enough wild experiences that I owe it to myself to really make someone wait for me...like marriage wait for me. I have no trouble taking care of matters into my own hands if needed, plus what is up with all this anal action???? Dudes are so obsessed with assholes, its getting really annoying and I demand it to stop. Anywho.


So of course with the start of the new year coming up, I have some lovely goals. Many of them. It's kind of sad that I am in a constant state of improvement, I never feel quite content with who I am or what I have. Shhhh dont tell. It makes me sound awful. Like duh just be happy with everything and relax and blah blah. But I  have this urge. This drive. To always keep going upwards and onwards. To strive for better, for more. It's like fucking capitalism Americanism packaged in a cute little present.

But thats the struggle I had with the last dude. Not just nude dude, but my real last boyfriend. He didn't care to move up and make more for himself. So it was a bit frustrating. At least I'm the type of person that if I complete part of my goal or get pretty far, I get excited about it...even if its not complete.

So I think Im going to make ten goals dealing with various areas in my life. And then I'm going to make a couple DO NOT'S....as well.

Health:
Drink 2 or 3 of my new water bottles full a day.
3 fruits and 3 veggies a day.
Zinc, Vitamin A, Iron, Vitamin D, and B-12 every day. Other multi's if possible.
Work out at new gym at least 3 times a week.
Hula Hoop every day for ten minutes!

Spiritual:
Visit forest hike once a week and have a great conversation out loud with God.
Yoga every day for ten minutes to deep breathe and prayer language.
Read SOME bible everyday, who cares what it is.
Pray with family or friends when possible.
Journal or blog about life, emotions, experiences...all for healthy processing and a positive spirit.

I need to Quitttttt:
1. Sugar
2. Alcohol
3. Meaningless Sex
4. Materialistic spending...at least create pro con list. Or limit myself to buying 5 things every month AND THAT IS ALLLLL.
5. Obsessive masturbation. No Im not kidding, I'm a horny motherfker.....
6. Jealously over my sister
7. Never wearing my retainer. Stupid thing....
8. Stealing food

Okay, these things are good.
I just want to be healthier and happier. I want to complete things.

I want to get a degree in Art History. Or become a High School Counselor. Or work for the trees.
I'd love to actually start helping my mom garden more and see what color my thumb is.
I still love to spend time reading and expanding my mind.
Helping Epikos and getting a college group going would be amazing.

Things I want to buy but probably shouldnt....

Xbox 360- $100
GPS - $75
Fable Games - $80
Hoop - $25
I already bought bracelets, clothes, masks,
Ipod cover - $20
Mac computer - $350+

\

2.    Massage table           $150+                                                       

Tinted Windows        $100+ 

6.       Beaded curtains (bamboo)    $75

7.       Tapestry (ptown sat market)    $50

8.       Conch Piercing                $60+

See? I am a whore. I am a whore that wants and needs and truly just needs to STFU. Grrrrr......

Well said.

13 Bliss values....

I'm thinking about Humility today. What does it really mean? I looked it up and I'm digging it so far.

 I wish to be more humble....there are the obvious ways, and of course, the not so obvious. Saying things like "It's my pleasure, I'd be honored to, or a simple thank you" in response. Speaking less, Counting to 3 after someone makes a comment to be sure they are finished. Compliment others often. Give positive feedback. Realize my talents are gifts from God. Don't openly discuss my goals or accomplishments. Apparently being humble makes for a good leader. They say the best leader is usually the first follower. I love following. I don't know if I really desire to be a leader and I desire to just give it all up and give it to God. I have no clue what I'm doing, where I'm supposed to be, or what I'm supposed to be doing. So why not just work as much as I possibly can,...try to get healthy again, stay fit and active, keep my room clean and help around the house. Take care of my cat. Feed my creativity for guitar and drums and arts. I've missed writing in this gig too. As for relationships, I couldn't be thanking God more for sending Brian away. I really hope he does leave. I don't need him around, he distracts me, upsets me, but gives me so much pleasure that only makes me more full of myself. I love myself and hate myself at the same time. It's a really weird place to be in. He's the one that brings up my shoes and earrings and materialistic things so often. He talks about all his travels and then says he doesn't mean to brag. But he's so prideful I can hear it in his voice. He pulls Bible verses out of his ass to always try and prove his point. Self righteous people make me want to puke. I'd rather be messing up and KNOWING how badly I need God's grace and crying when I hear about how Jesus loves us so much than act like I don't need to be redeemed. I need daily redemption. I am nothing without Uncle Christ hahahahah funny joke thanks Luke Overstreet and I desperately want to feel Him closer everyday. I may not always be a good person but I know my heart is full of Love from God and of God and for God. 

I was reading this lady's blog about her 13 Bliss Values and she does studies on each of them, and I would LOVE to do that. I love having challenges and goals. And after hearing heartbreaking news of mishire and mishaps and feeling lonely but surrounded, I need to remind myself what I carry close to my core. Of course rather than 13, I had to choose tons more. So I making mine....25. I know, I'm crazy.

Humility, Joy, Curiosity, Acceptance, Compassion, Delight, Encouragement, Adventure, Flexibility, Imagination, Faith, Passion, Liberation, Candor, Fellowship, Vivacity, Serenity, Vitality, Thankfulness, Spirituality, Warmth, Intimacy, Intuition, Learning, and Humor. 

The list was so long!!!!! I could barely decide. I also love Love, Honor, Trust, Respect, Affection... these are all great things. But I'd love to go into what each of these mean in the world, mean to me, mean in the Bible, how I can live them out, and become these attributes. 

Starting with being humble. Because I really don't care if I'm right or not. And I realize it's not all about me. and I realize I have everything I truly need. And I'm thankful for all that is around me. I don't want to put up a fight or struggle and I just want to be at peace with myself and with the world around me. 

I'm going to keep trying. Most certainly. Humility is giving, serving, honoring, sharing, trusting, appreciating, listening, and kind. It asks for help and advice and recognizes other people, first and foremost. That's what I want. Amen.

Jewish New Year

So this is the new year today for the Jews. Yay! My sister mentioned 4 items that they work on during this time. That would be Repent, Forgive, Align, and Adjust. I chose Patti Smith as a picture because I believe she does a lot of amazing self reflection and self discovery. 

Repent---I should have NOT slept with Brian :( Dang it!!!

Forgive---But I forgive him for not being strong. I also forgive Sandra for hurting me so bad.

Align---I want to align my mind and heart like that of God and Jesus. Aligning with more grace, love, joy, and peace. I learned this week that in order to have more peace, I just need to receive and accept Gods love more. So Im just wanting to put my heart next to His and get totally filled!!!

Adjust---I need to spend more quiet time with Jesus, reading Gods word, singing songs and praying. I also need to be more careful around Brian. I refuse to have that situation again!! So frustrating.

Thank you Jesus for loving me even when Im a rebellious punk.

Amen!

Moving car romance....

I kissed a boy on a train..

I told him I liked his hat (black fedora)

He told me he liked my dress (multicoloured maxi)

He bought donuts holes, I bought coffee

We sat and chatted. About our lives, family's lives, life in general.

Society and its wonders. and mishaps. 

It was truly beautiful.

He revealed he was 16 and I said I didn't care.

He told me he wants to own a boat,

with his lady as the captain.

I told him my parents can't understand why I would want to sleep in the dirt,

he said he'd sleep in the dirt with me.

He kept telling me how outrageously attractive I am..

with his adorable blue eyes and straight white teeth.

He was wearing a black leather jacket, and a braided hemp necklaces with a glass bead.

He told me he dropped out of high school because he was tired of his immature classmates.

He's getting his GED and following his dreams of full time musician career.

I gave him my card, I have yet to hear from him

Maybe it is just life's own teases.

When we got to his stop in Albany, we both stood and I asked for a hug

He asked for a kiss.

When I lifted my face to his, he put his hand on my chin

and open mouth frenched, right there, in front of many people

The train jerked a bit, throwing us off kilter, him running into me

Me laughing, feeling young and fresh and free.

It was hard to say goodbye to my leather donning dropout, train sweetheart.

But I wrote a wonderful poem I should post soon :)

To kissing on a train, I raise my coffee mug!

3 Essential C's in life....

Today I'd like to touch on 3 important C words in my life, and Cunt, Custard, and Colbert are not them.

As a matter of fact, it is Creativity, Challenge, and Communication.

These are three items that I want to focus on daily and have come so naturally into my life, I believe they are all so pleasant and will have such a positive effect on my life. As I am a major list person, I would like to make a few lists of ways to practice these ideas and get them into motion......

Creativity

*Journaling *Painting *Watercolours *Clothing design *Lyrical work *Playing guitar *Djembe *Tambourine *Skin care products *Jewelry making *Pastels *Collages *Story writing *Hair creations *New recipes 

Challenge

*Share Gospel with a stranger *Do 1 hour of yoga *Hike for 3 hours *Deep clean bathroom *Deep clean room *Pray for 1 hour straight *Read Bible for 2 hours straight *Do something for my parents *Market my business *Drink tons of water *Work on essays *Pray for my enemies *Work on African song *Stand on the side of the road with a sign about Jesus *Go to Portland and raise awareness for Human Trafficking *Play and ask for Pocket Change for Uganda *Pass out cookies and pray for the homeless *Confront someone I dislike and be nice *Write my parents a letter thanking them *Iron my clothes *Jog the dog

Communication

*Write Sarah Kaye a letter and mail it *Ditto for Shayna *Call my Grandma *Call my uncle *Email clients *Call clients *Get an ad in newspaper or coffee news *Create teenager facial special *Drop off school teacher specials *Contact someone from my past *Thank someone who has impacted my life *Apologize to someone I have mistreated *Talk openly, out loud with God for an hour or so *Check in with Kate Garner and Kristie Stevens *Reach strangers for my business *Go to surrounding companies and offer them a deal @ shop *Write secret letters to people, telling them how I really feel lol

Well I think that is good for now. If I can manage to do one of those things every day, I think I will be set :D

Countdown to Zero.....

Frustration arises like smoke in a fire.

Would you ever just shut up and retire?

Get me out of here, set me free.

Make a scene, let you finally see.

Blast this music, shake the walls.

Watch the painted mirror as it falls.

Drain this coffee, let it course my veins.

No one admires your muttered complains.

I want to turn off all the lights, sit in the black.

Hours pass, of time I have truly lost track.

What do I really need in this place?

I just ask for some damn space!

Hide in the forest, get lost in a trance.

Scream a song, give an interpretive dance.

Soon I'll be gone, lost, freed, and alone.

Then you'll have nobody to listen to you moan.