Goodbye.....

 

Haha, yes. This shirt is amazing. I have deactivated my NEW facebook account. The one will all the filters and good people, even. I just feel so addicted and I find myself checking out people that make me feel insecure or whatever. I just don't think its good for me. I'd rather be downloading badass music or watching tv or researching shit or buying stuff off craigslist and free people than stalking people or over-admiring them. This is healthy, YES!

My workday was AWESOME. Little intimidated in the beginning with the two girls there, but the 2nd location is definitely all mine baby. I felt so good. I love it, I can't wait to work the next 3 days and rack up some tips and hours. I could spend it all in a heartbeat, that's the sad part....

Love you.....

Nice one....

I met a man named Steven today. He came into the cafe, with his scruffy beard and long hair pulled back into a pony tail. He brought a coffee traveler in and asked for a half decaf americano with cream. Of course I was so distracted I made it full caffeinated lol oh well. Even though I was about closed I couldn't help chatting with him for a while....he's traveled about the U.S. and wants to travel the world. He got a degree in Computer Science on the East Coast but now lives in NE Portland. He was going to walk his dog at the Lacamas Trails park. I could just feel his energy.....he was staring at me. Me, with my effed up zit covered face....and blah hair. One of the first things he said to me was that he liked my style and that it was "interesting" lol and I said thanks because I think interesting is a good thing and he said it is, he's just not very good at compliments. I told him when I work next so I really hope he comes back in ............damn. Too bad he mentioned its been 12 years since college and then laughed about revealing his age. Why...why are they always so old?!!?

Anyway, tomorrow I start my 2nd job and Im a bit nervous but I know it shall be awesome. Yay for getting paid more. I also got my anti-sugar drug which I'm going to start taking just as often as I can remember to take my Zinc and Vitamin A. Boy am I a pill popper. Those pills cost me $21 but it will be worth it to quit feeling like I'm going to die unless I eat sugar. I have decided to waste a significant amount of money on piercings and tattoos, of course. I know I need to buy things like a GPS and a massage table, but those will come in time. Same with getting a mac computer and Skyrim. All awesome things. But since I have abstained in sex and alcohol so far in 2012, I would like to reward myself and rebel in other, less destructive ways. Here goes to getting both nipples, lip, and conch piercing all at the same time! Luckily my friend Taylor will come with me since he wants his lip done again. I'm seriously going to arrange it to have both piercers there at the same time and have them pierce the tits at the same time ...I've heard about them doing that and I hear its so much better and when I called, she said she would definitely be able to make that happen. Righteously radical. As for the tattoo, I'm going to ask my artist to draw something up with a beautiful couple of Blue Cornflowers....Germany's national flower. I've been wanting something to do with my German heritage for years and luckily they also represent "Prosperity, fortune, wealth, and friendship"....so all great things yeah? I'm going to get it going up my side and it will be a very sexy match to those abs I am truly working on,.......

Which is my last point. I finally did make it down to the gym, and I did quite enjoy it there. My stomach is sore and I love it. But if you can believe it, I weighed in at 103. That is the heaviest I have weighed in my life. I guess the number doesn't really matter, but I am not feeling toned in the slightest. That is why I posted this yoga picture, to remind me of my goals and how yoga and hoop and diligent working out will get me where I want to be. I just want to be so overall healthy, with great skin, hair, body, face, all that jazz....it just seems all so far away..............

Dreaming of you, Stranger Steven

This random life of mine.......

Yes, my sweet Shayna and I. Course she wasn't so sweet when she was threatening to murder everyone at the New Year's party. Hard to believe because it's so unlike her. But mind you, we were both messed up. This picture wasn't from that night though. Man, I knew crazy shit would go down but it got really crazy. I think she began feeling very vulnerable because of a certain substance and all of a sudden, she disappears. Like really, we could NOT find her.  We are an hour and a half away from home, in the middle of no where, but there were other houses around. So worried for over an hour, she had no phone, there was nothing to be done. Luckily neighbors drove up and dropped her off.

Just plain insane.

But its these memories we build together that make up a true friendship. Still though. Word of advice: No matter how much of a shitty time you are having somewhere, DON'T JUST WALK OFF ALONE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, SUPER WASTED, CREATING CHAOS AND STRESS FOR OVER 10 PEOPLE AT A PARTY THATS SUPPOSED TO BE A BLAST. lol.

Other random notes of the day, some positive some negative............................

*I don't remember if I mentioned getting a hoop. But I love this thing. I only hope to get better at it. And get some sick abs while I am at it. +
*Josh has been emailing me...apparently he is unhappy with his gf, he thinks of me a lot still. He doesn't have a job so there has been no word of paying me back unfortunately. But he has my stuff so we are supposed to meet up and trade. Who knows man, who knows.......crazy ex's coming back into your life? That's a +/-
*I'm really gonna be on myself about taking my Zinc. And doing skin care masks. I read my horoscope, which I rarely do, but it DID say that if I keep doing the same action without giving up, I will see results in a few weeks. So come on now, if I do this full-fledged...freakin acne needs to get out of my life!!! We'll make this one a + because we have hope for a future of a clear, pretty face....
*I got a job today. No shit. I turn in a resume, get a call, do an interview, and BAM im hired. How does this happen??? Cool thing is the barista is awesome. And shes got an awesome friend too. And she sounds boy/party crazy so Im in for it, I just know it. Im already trying to play it cool like Im kind of done with drugs for now but I have no clue what kinds of situations I will find myself in.....  ++++

So thats about it for today. I really will try to be better about journaling. I freakin need it.....

Sigh

 I like her. And dude behind her. I also spend way too much time

checking out hippies (modern + vintage) and wishing I was them.

I know I haven't updated in a while.....

I have definitely gotten off track in life.

Funny thing is one of my last posts was about incorporating positive aspects into my life...and blogging about them, thus making them happen. But of course as winter droned on, I found the comfort of my bed more appealing and I have not accomplished much, if anything this season.

At least I have been working my barista job. And maintaining my little Dreadlock, which I affectionately call Amani (peace in Swahili). I can say I also applied for financial aid and have been actively helping out Epikos's drama team. Dated *cough*fucked*cough* a few dudes......whats ironic is I was discussing to my sweet friend the issue of who to choose between them...when BAM both of them end up being not so great. Bye bye, see you later. But I like this single freedom. And as impossible as it may seem for me, I do actually want to remain abstinent. Man I've slept with enough people and had enough wild experiences that I owe it to myself to really make someone wait for me...like marriage wait for me. I have no trouble taking care of matters into my own hands if needed, plus what is up with all this anal action???? Dudes are so obsessed with assholes, its getting really annoying and I demand it to stop. Anywho.


So of course with the start of the new year coming up, I have some lovely goals. Many of them. It's kind of sad that I am in a constant state of improvement, I never feel quite content with who I am or what I have. Shhhh dont tell. It makes me sound awful. Like duh just be happy with everything and relax and blah blah. But I  have this urge. This drive. To always keep going upwards and onwards. To strive for better, for more. It's like fucking capitalism Americanism packaged in a cute little present.

But thats the struggle I had with the last dude. Not just nude dude, but my real last boyfriend. He didn't care to move up and make more for himself. So it was a bit frustrating. At least I'm the type of person that if I complete part of my goal or get pretty far, I get excited about it...even if its not complete.

So I think Im going to make ten goals dealing with various areas in my life. And then I'm going to make a couple DO NOT'S....as well.

Health:
Drink 2 or 3 of my new water bottles full a day.
3 fruits and 3 veggies a day.
Zinc, Vitamin A, Iron, Vitamin D, and B-12 every day. Other multi's if possible.
Work out at new gym at least 3 times a week.
Hula Hoop every day for ten minutes!

Spiritual:
Visit forest hike once a week and have a great conversation out loud with God.
Yoga every day for ten minutes to deep breathe and prayer language.
Read SOME bible everyday, who cares what it is.
Pray with family or friends when possible.
Journal or blog about life, emotions, experiences...all for healthy processing and a positive spirit.

I need to Quitttttt:
1. Sugar
2. Alcohol
3. Meaningless Sex
4. Materialistic spending...at least create pro con list. Or limit myself to buying 5 things every month AND THAT IS ALLLLL.
5. Obsessive masturbation. No Im not kidding, I'm a horny motherfker.....
6. Jealously over my sister
7. Never wearing my retainer. Stupid thing....
8. Stealing food

Okay, these things are good.
I just want to be healthier and happier. I want to complete things.

I want to get a degree in Art History. Or become a High School Counselor. Or work for the trees.
I'd love to actually start helping my mom garden more and see what color my thumb is.
I still love to spend time reading and expanding my mind.
Helping Epikos and getting a college group going would be amazing.

Things I want to buy but probably shouldnt....

Xbox 360- $100
GPS - $75
Fable Games - $80
Hoop - $25
I already bought bracelets, clothes, masks,
Ipod cover - $20
Mac computer - $350+

\

2.    Massage table           $150+                                                       

Tinted Windows        $100+ 

6.       Beaded curtains (bamboo)    $75

7.       Tapestry (ptown sat market)    $50

8.       Conch Piercing                $60+

See? I am a whore. I am a whore that wants and needs and truly just needs to STFU. Grrrrr......

Well said.

13 Bliss values....

I'm thinking about Humility today. What does it really mean? I looked it up and I'm digging it so far.

 I wish to be more humble....there are the obvious ways, and of course, the not so obvious. Saying things like "It's my pleasure, I'd be honored to, or a simple thank you" in response. Speaking less, Counting to 3 after someone makes a comment to be sure they are finished. Compliment others often. Give positive feedback. Realize my talents are gifts from God. Don't openly discuss my goals or accomplishments. Apparently being humble makes for a good leader. They say the best leader is usually the first follower. I love following. I don't know if I really desire to be a leader and I desire to just give it all up and give it to God. I have no clue what I'm doing, where I'm supposed to be, or what I'm supposed to be doing. So why not just work as much as I possibly can,...try to get healthy again, stay fit and active, keep my room clean and help around the house. Take care of my cat. Feed my creativity for guitar and drums and arts. I've missed writing in this gig too. As for relationships, I couldn't be thanking God more for sending Brian away. I really hope he does leave. I don't need him around, he distracts me, upsets me, but gives me so much pleasure that only makes me more full of myself. I love myself and hate myself at the same time. It's a really weird place to be in. He's the one that brings up my shoes and earrings and materialistic things so often. He talks about all his travels and then says he doesn't mean to brag. But he's so prideful I can hear it in his voice. He pulls Bible verses out of his ass to always try and prove his point. Self righteous people make me want to puke. I'd rather be messing up and KNOWING how badly I need God's grace and crying when I hear about how Jesus loves us so much than act like I don't need to be redeemed. I need daily redemption. I am nothing without Uncle Christ hahahahah funny joke thanks Luke Overstreet and I desperately want to feel Him closer everyday. I may not always be a good person but I know my heart is full of Love from God and of God and for God. 

I was reading this lady's blog about her 13 Bliss Values and she does studies on each of them, and I would LOVE to do that. I love having challenges and goals. And after hearing heartbreaking news of mishire and mishaps and feeling lonely but surrounded, I need to remind myself what I carry close to my core. Of course rather than 13, I had to choose tons more. So I making mine....25. I know, I'm crazy.

Humility, Joy, Curiosity, Acceptance, Compassion, Delight, Encouragement, Adventure, Flexibility, Imagination, Faith, Passion, Liberation, Candor, Fellowship, Vivacity, Serenity, Vitality, Thankfulness, Spirituality, Warmth, Intimacy, Intuition, Learning, and Humor. 

The list was so long!!!!! I could barely decide. I also love Love, Honor, Trust, Respect, Affection... these are all great things. But I'd love to go into what each of these mean in the world, mean to me, mean in the Bible, how I can live them out, and become these attributes. 

Starting with being humble. Because I really don't care if I'm right or not. And I realize it's not all about me. and I realize I have everything I truly need. And I'm thankful for all that is around me. I don't want to put up a fight or struggle and I just want to be at peace with myself and with the world around me. 

I'm going to keep trying. Most certainly. Humility is giving, serving, honoring, sharing, trusting, appreciating, listening, and kind. It asks for help and advice and recognizes other people, first and foremost. That's what I want. Amen.

Jewish New Year

So this is the new year today for the Jews. Yay! My sister mentioned 4 items that they work on during this time. That would be Repent, Forgive, Align, and Adjust. I chose Patti Smith as a picture because I believe she does a lot of amazing self reflection and self discovery. 

Repent---I should have NOT slept with Brian :( Dang it!!!

Forgive---But I forgive him for not being strong. I also forgive Sandra for hurting me so bad.

Align---I want to align my mind and heart like that of God and Jesus. Aligning with more grace, love, joy, and peace. I learned this week that in order to have more peace, I just need to receive and accept Gods love more. So Im just wanting to put my heart next to His and get totally filled!!!

Adjust---I need to spend more quiet time with Jesus, reading Gods word, singing songs and praying. I also need to be more careful around Brian. I refuse to have that situation again!! So frustrating.

Thank you Jesus for loving me even when Im a rebellious punk.

Amen!