shit

mehhh.

Fuck guys.

Fuck them and their sexual ways.

Why am I self destructive?

Why can't I turn them down?

He never asked for it. I kissed him as he was coming out of the bathroom. And now I'm sitting back, looking like a fool, admitting to being a rebound, and wishing I could erase it all.

Salome was right, I put him on a pedestal.

And now, theres already someone else. There is ALWAYS someone else. Just waiting around the corner. Another heartbreak, for one of us, its inevitable.  This cycle disgusts me and yet it is harder to quit than nicotine. This sexual addiction is tearing me apart. Fuck my life.

The time has come.....

Unfortunately if you do ever read this blog...its about to get REAL boring. With many a few interesting/bitchy notes about my life. But hopefully I will be a good little girl and actually update daily since...

I am going to write what I eat everyday..yay.

So far, a couple gulps of water but a good 16oz of coffee with half and half and stevia.
A gala apple and a kiwi.
More to come about lunch and dinner and snacks.

BITCHY TIME!!!
~My mom is ridiculous. Maybe she talks about me out loud downstairs JUST so I can hear the crap she's saying. She complains I never listen to her...I'M LISTENING RIGHT NOW!!!
~She wants me to be more picky with guys. I am already picky, I turn down the losers right off. Some of them are just really good at hiding the loser until later on. Not my fault.
~For instance, how was I supposed to know the last guy I was just dating had an addiction to oxy he NEVER told me about???
~And he's gone. Of course he wants to keep me as a friend. But when does that ever work? I told him no benefits and that definitely broke his Scorpio overly sexual heart. I gave him an anti anxiety pill he gave me a while back when he had a panic attack over the weekend and HE SNORTED IT. I'm yelling "Why cant you just fucking swallow it with water like a normal person??? Why do you have to nasal shoot it like a drug addict???" I told him if he had a car I'd ask him to leave. He said he'd leave if I wanted him too. But he had no where to go, so he stayed. Sheesh.

On to the interesting (good)....

*Had a lovely date seeing the Artist with my new little artsy skinny boy. He's scoring major points by a)rarely drinks alcohol b) smoked pot once and disliked it c) plays guitar and is in a band -so what if its cliche?- d) has an older and a younger sister e) lives in the sticks of camas f) art history major g) hes sexy h) doesnt give a shit about astrology -FINALLY someone who doesnt care- i) he's got a job at whole foods and hes going to school j) he actually paid for everything which is strange but my last dudes were all so poor k) HE HAS SEEN CASABLANCA! guys have never seen that. so impressed. l) he's hilarious. so funny. i laughed a plenty. m)he has both parents in his life. surprise surprise nowadays. n) he seems awkwardly physically which i am loving because i have no fears about him wanting to jump my bones. no way. his hugs were those sideways quick and stiff ones. THANK GOD. o) great conversationlist p) he has a cat. and a couple chickens. BUT HES NOT VEGETARIAN THANK GOD #2. q) and to end with the coolest letter Q, Q is for quirky because I can tell he was a loner in high school which is opposite of me and he just seems offbeat and thats what I need. I'm sick of macho men trying to prove something to me.

*Also I'm working on my abs. Again. I can do it. I swear to myself.

*Also I'm going to start making more money now that I am not taking off half an hour for lunch everyday at one of my cafe jobs. I've been shorting myself...but whatever I eat tons of shit there lol.

Happy women's day.....

Sour by the minute but youre sweeter by the hour....

Yeah I am having some trouble. I just attract unemployed men, I swear. This is the fourth one. Maybe I have the gift of grace like my dad suggested and I just draw these men into my life that need encouragement and inspiration. But its so tough on me. Of course I want to find God's true love for my life and get married. And I always here that if Im busy dating someone wrong for me, I'll miss who is right for me. But what am I supposed to do....man.....

Why oh why did my sister have to marry a pastor?? Wow, put the pressure on. I feel like I'm supposed to be with some super man of a dude and I'm scared I'm going to end up with a crazy person. But I AM crazy. How can I have standards for someone if I don't have them for myself? *sigh*

And one two three, one two three.....

I love this album. It is so relaxing, even if an ex-stoner. And the album cover is pretty trippy, to say the least.....

So after four days at Dragonfly cafe, I definitely like it a lot. Pretty easy, happy go lucky stuff. I'm excited to go back to Piccolo though, that cafe is definitely my home coffee house. Plus I can sit on the barstool and read books why I wait for customers. Speaking of books, I spent 30 minutes at the library, to find nothing and go home empty handed. Now I'm looking online and ordering a bunch. It's funny that in my home bookshelf I have several books I have never read, but they honestly do not even look that interesting. 

I hear there is a place in Vancouver to try waltzing. Is that so crazy? I'm thinking it could be legit. That or swing dancing. I need something fun like that every week that I can look forward to. Plus there is no weekly Epikos church meetings or anything during the week. I feel so distanced from them, it is sad. I missed going to the Vision Night last weekend but idk I just feel so out of it lately. 

I do not know how much longer I can live in my house. I seriously must get out. There's a mobile home for rent in washougal for $470 and I seriously wish I could get into it. Plus it is a 3 bedroom!!! If I could find a roommate....oh boy. IDK  though I should be thankful I am rent free but I need more privacy. And more space of my own.

Or maybe I should just pitch a tent in the forest behind my house, yeah?

*sigh* 

Common side effects cause nausea, trouble sleeping, and unusual dreams

A picture like this makes me want to get all my hair dreaded. I would definitely do it blonde though. blonde just looks so much better with dreads.

I'm not so much worried about getting worn out from working 6 or 7 days a week...it's just my feet. They are already hurting much. I may need to invest in Danskos....or at least until I save up, some darn good crocs! 

The moon has me, yet again tonight. 

Well that's it. Not much for today.

You can call me flower if you want to

I wish I preformed some rituals on a full moon....because right now I am staring straight out of my bedroom window at the most beautiful, brilliant, white glowing moon. Earlier it was a gorgeous soft harvest orange, much lower down, gazing behind the trees. My mom asked me once why I was so fascinated with the moon and I could only answer, why not? It's so interesting how it goes thru the cycles and affects the tides....well, all water. Since we are made of 80% water I believe it affects people too. But since I'm out of my New Age ways I really have nothing special to do on Full Moons....

Anyway, the photographs...aren't they lovely? New tattoo for 2012. I've decided I really should only get one tattoo a year, for my birthday, as a present every year. I'd love to get a couple of the Blue Cornflowers with Scarlet Begonias all around them....just wonderful and the maroon with the violet blue look great together, eh? I'm going to bring down some pictures to the artist soon and have him draw up something awesome! Something up along my side, it shall be sexy.

Speaking of sexy, yes on the lip ring and the conch piercing for my left ear...but the tongue!? Tongue piercing is a tough decision. After so much reading and research, there really are a lot of pros and cons. It's pretty equal. I suppose I will make my final decision just beforehand. Even watching a youtube video of it getting done, I did not think it looks so bad. It's going to be awkward talking at work though....ugh idk. 

Lately, I've been having dreams about love. Like two nights in a row, I am deeply in love with someone...and it's like the right one. Not just sexual or a fling or young love, but its forever..they are a true, honest, Jesus-loving person who truly cares about me and wants to make a serious commitment. It feels so real in the dream, I've waken up both mornings in a daze and in unbelief that I am actually single.

Patiently waiting...........but patiently doesn't exactly mean there's a thrill with the wait :)

Goodbye.....

 

Haha, yes. This shirt is amazing. I have deactivated my NEW facebook account. The one will all the filters and good people, even. I just feel so addicted and I find myself checking out people that make me feel insecure or whatever. I just don't think its good for me. I'd rather be downloading badass music or watching tv or researching shit or buying stuff off craigslist and free people than stalking people or over-admiring them. This is healthy, YES!

My workday was AWESOME. Little intimidated in the beginning with the two girls there, but the 2nd location is definitely all mine baby. I felt so good. I love it, I can't wait to work the next 3 days and rack up some tips and hours. I could spend it all in a heartbeat, that's the sad part....

Love you.....