Ain't it the truth.....

Well, the clock says it's time to close now
I guess I'd better go now
I'd really like to stay here all night
The cars crawl past all stuffed with eyes
Street lights share their hollow glow
Your brain seems bruised with numb surprise
Still one place to go
Still one place to go

Let me sleep all night in your soul kitchen
Warm my mind near your gentle stove
Turn me out and I'll wander baby
Stumblin' in the neon groves
Well, your fingers weave quick minarets
Speak in secret alphabets
I light another cigarette
Learn to forget, learn to forget
Learn to forget, learn to forget
 
Let me sleep all night in your soul kitchen
Warm my mind near your gentle stove
Turn me out and I'll wander baby
Stumblin' in the neon groves

Well the clock says it's time to close now
I know I have to go now
I really want to stay here
All night, all night, all night

It's a Grateful Day

Blues festi at waterfront in Portland!!!!

Driving down, nothing better than Grateful Dead.

Sure I feel like puking due to this pregnancy, but I'm

NOT going to let that stop me :) 

Talley ho!

You know what's funny?

I downloaded an app that plays rain for you

when you cant sleep at night......

Who needs that in Washington State?!?!?

Ah well, with this gorgeous weather......

We finally do. 

Replacement for Facebook

Wow. So I need to get off of facebook, But I still have lots of thoughts and things I feel like sharing with the world. So may as well keep writing since I have slacked on this blog for months....

Thought: Why do people order cappuccinos only to drink the liquid and leave tons of foam behind? You realize what a cap. is right? It's way less milk than a latte. Half of it is foam...on purpose.... *odd*

Thought: I saw 4 people in a row, chewing and shoving food in their mouths today while driving. Eating while on the road is NOT just a rumor...people have truly lost the art of sitting down and enjoying meals. Why can't we be like some European countries? Couple hour long lunches and then a big nap before we continue on with our day. *sigh*

Thought: Sometimes the only thing you can do, is straight up ignore someone. It's better than to argue or persuade or waste emotions and time. I just have to ignore him. And its the most difficult task. Darn.

Free flowing, ever changing, always aspired.

I am the right brain. I am creativity. A free spirit. I am passion. 

Yearning. Sensuality. I am the sound of roaring laughter. 

I am taste. The feeling of sand beneath bare feet. 

I am movement. Vivid colors. 

I am the urge to paint on an empty canvas. 

I am boundless imagination. Art. Poetry. I sense. I feel. 

I am everything I wanted to be.

shit

mehhh.

Fuck guys.

Fuck them and their sexual ways.

Why am I self destructive?

Why can't I turn them down?

He never asked for it. I kissed him as he was coming out of the bathroom. And now I'm sitting back, looking like a fool, admitting to being a rebound, and wishing I could erase it all.

Salome was right, I put him on a pedestal.

And now, theres already someone else. There is ALWAYS someone else. Just waiting around the corner. Another heartbreak, for one of us, its inevitable.  This cycle disgusts me and yet it is harder to quit than nicotine. This sexual addiction is tearing me apart. Fuck my life.

The time has come.....

Unfortunately if you do ever read this blog...its about to get REAL boring. With many a few interesting/bitchy notes about my life. But hopefully I will be a good little girl and actually update daily since...

I am going to write what I eat everyday..yay.

So far, a couple gulps of water but a good 16oz of coffee with half and half and stevia.
A gala apple and a kiwi.
More to come about lunch and dinner and snacks.

BITCHY TIME!!!
~My mom is ridiculous. Maybe she talks about me out loud downstairs JUST so I can hear the crap she's saying. She complains I never listen to her...I'M LISTENING RIGHT NOW!!!
~She wants me to be more picky with guys. I am already picky, I turn down the losers right off. Some of them are just really good at hiding the loser until later on. Not my fault.
~For instance, how was I supposed to know the last guy I was just dating had an addiction to oxy he NEVER told me about???
~And he's gone. Of course he wants to keep me as a friend. But when does that ever work? I told him no benefits and that definitely broke his Scorpio overly sexual heart. I gave him an anti anxiety pill he gave me a while back when he had a panic attack over the weekend and HE SNORTED IT. I'm yelling "Why cant you just fucking swallow it with water like a normal person??? Why do you have to nasal shoot it like a drug addict???" I told him if he had a car I'd ask him to leave. He said he'd leave if I wanted him too. But he had no where to go, so he stayed. Sheesh.

On to the interesting (good)....

*Had a lovely date seeing the Artist with my new little artsy skinny boy. He's scoring major points by a)rarely drinks alcohol b) smoked pot once and disliked it c) plays guitar and is in a band -so what if its cliche?- d) has an older and a younger sister e) lives in the sticks of camas f) art history major g) hes sexy h) doesnt give a shit about astrology -FINALLY someone who doesnt care- i) he's got a job at whole foods and hes going to school j) he actually paid for everything which is strange but my last dudes were all so poor k) HE HAS SEEN CASABLANCA! guys have never seen that. so impressed. l) he's hilarious. so funny. i laughed a plenty. m)he has both parents in his life. surprise surprise nowadays. n) he seems awkwardly physically which i am loving because i have no fears about him wanting to jump my bones. no way. his hugs were those sideways quick and stiff ones. THANK GOD. o) great conversationlist p) he has a cat. and a couple chickens. BUT HES NOT VEGETARIAN THANK GOD #2. q) and to end with the coolest letter Q, Q is for quirky because I can tell he was a loner in high school which is opposite of me and he just seems offbeat and thats what I need. I'm sick of macho men trying to prove something to me.

*Also I'm working on my abs. Again. I can do it. I swear to myself.

*Also I'm going to start making more money now that I am not taking off half an hour for lunch everyday at one of my cafe jobs. I've been shorting myself...but whatever I eat tons of shit there lol.

Happy women's day.....

Sour by the minute but youre sweeter by the hour....

Yeah I am having some trouble. I just attract unemployed men, I swear. This is the fourth one. Maybe I have the gift of grace like my dad suggested and I just draw these men into my life that need encouragement and inspiration. But its so tough on me. Of course I want to find God's true love for my life and get married. And I always here that if Im busy dating someone wrong for me, I'll miss who is right for me. But what am I supposed to do....man.....

Why oh why did my sister have to marry a pastor?? Wow, put the pressure on. I feel like I'm supposed to be with some super man of a dude and I'm scared I'm going to end up with a crazy person. But I AM crazy. How can I have standards for someone if I don't have them for myself? *sigh*

And one two three, one two three.....

I love this album. It is so relaxing, even if an ex-stoner. And the album cover is pretty trippy, to say the least.....

So after four days at Dragonfly cafe, I definitely like it a lot. Pretty easy, happy go lucky stuff. I'm excited to go back to Piccolo though, that cafe is definitely my home coffee house. Plus I can sit on the barstool and read books why I wait for customers. Speaking of books, I spent 30 minutes at the library, to find nothing and go home empty handed. Now I'm looking online and ordering a bunch. It's funny that in my home bookshelf I have several books I have never read, but they honestly do not even look that interesting. 

I hear there is a place in Vancouver to try waltzing. Is that so crazy? I'm thinking it could be legit. That or swing dancing. I need something fun like that every week that I can look forward to. Plus there is no weekly Epikos church meetings or anything during the week. I feel so distanced from them, it is sad. I missed going to the Vision Night last weekend but idk I just feel so out of it lately. 

I do not know how much longer I can live in my house. I seriously must get out. There's a mobile home for rent in washougal for $470 and I seriously wish I could get into it. Plus it is a 3 bedroom!!! If I could find a roommate....oh boy. IDK  though I should be thankful I am rent free but I need more privacy. And more space of my own.

Or maybe I should just pitch a tent in the forest behind my house, yeah?

*sigh* 

Common side effects cause nausea, trouble sleeping, and unusual dreams

A picture like this makes me want to get all my hair dreaded. I would definitely do it blonde though. blonde just looks so much better with dreads.

I'm not so much worried about getting worn out from working 6 or 7 days a week...it's just my feet. They are already hurting much. I may need to invest in Danskos....or at least until I save up, some darn good crocs! 

The moon has me, yet again tonight. 

Well that's it. Not much for today.

You can call me flower if you want to

I wish I preformed some rituals on a full moon....because right now I am staring straight out of my bedroom window at the most beautiful, brilliant, white glowing moon. Earlier it was a gorgeous soft harvest orange, much lower down, gazing behind the trees. My mom asked me once why I was so fascinated with the moon and I could only answer, why not? It's so interesting how it goes thru the cycles and affects the tides....well, all water. Since we are made of 80% water I believe it affects people too. But since I'm out of my New Age ways I really have nothing special to do on Full Moons....

Anyway, the photographs...aren't they lovely? New tattoo for 2012. I've decided I really should only get one tattoo a year, for my birthday, as a present every year. I'd love to get a couple of the Blue Cornflowers with Scarlet Begonias all around them....just wonderful and the maroon with the violet blue look great together, eh? I'm going to bring down some pictures to the artist soon and have him draw up something awesome! Something up along my side, it shall be sexy.

Speaking of sexy, yes on the lip ring and the conch piercing for my left ear...but the tongue!? Tongue piercing is a tough decision. After so much reading and research, there really are a lot of pros and cons. It's pretty equal. I suppose I will make my final decision just beforehand. Even watching a youtube video of it getting done, I did not think it looks so bad. It's going to be awkward talking at work though....ugh idk. 

Lately, I've been having dreams about love. Like two nights in a row, I am deeply in love with someone...and it's like the right one. Not just sexual or a fling or young love, but its forever..they are a true, honest, Jesus-loving person who truly cares about me and wants to make a serious commitment. It feels so real in the dream, I've waken up both mornings in a daze and in unbelief that I am actually single.

Patiently waiting...........but patiently doesn't exactly mean there's a thrill with the wait :)

Goodbye.....

 

Haha, yes. This shirt is amazing. I have deactivated my NEW facebook account. The one will all the filters and good people, even. I just feel so addicted and I find myself checking out people that make me feel insecure or whatever. I just don't think its good for me. I'd rather be downloading badass music or watching tv or researching shit or buying stuff off craigslist and free people than stalking people or over-admiring them. This is healthy, YES!

My workday was AWESOME. Little intimidated in the beginning with the two girls there, but the 2nd location is definitely all mine baby. I felt so good. I love it, I can't wait to work the next 3 days and rack up some tips and hours. I could spend it all in a heartbeat, that's the sad part....

Love you.....

Nice one....

I met a man named Steven today. He came into the cafe, with his scruffy beard and long hair pulled back into a pony tail. He brought a coffee traveler in and asked for a half decaf americano with cream. Of course I was so distracted I made it full caffeinated lol oh well. Even though I was about closed I couldn't help chatting with him for a while....he's traveled about the U.S. and wants to travel the world. He got a degree in Computer Science on the East Coast but now lives in NE Portland. He was going to walk his dog at the Lacamas Trails park. I could just feel his energy.....he was staring at me. Me, with my effed up zit covered face....and blah hair. One of the first things he said to me was that he liked my style and that it was "interesting" lol and I said thanks because I think interesting is a good thing and he said it is, he's just not very good at compliments. I told him when I work next so I really hope he comes back in ............damn. Too bad he mentioned its been 12 years since college and then laughed about revealing his age. Why...why are they always so old?!!?

Anyway, tomorrow I start my 2nd job and Im a bit nervous but I know it shall be awesome. Yay for getting paid more. I also got my anti-sugar drug which I'm going to start taking just as often as I can remember to take my Zinc and Vitamin A. Boy am I a pill popper. Those pills cost me $21 but it will be worth it to quit feeling like I'm going to die unless I eat sugar. I have decided to waste a significant amount of money on piercings and tattoos, of course. I know I need to buy things like a GPS and a massage table, but those will come in time. Same with getting a mac computer and Skyrim. All awesome things. But since I have abstained in sex and alcohol so far in 2012, I would like to reward myself and rebel in other, less destructive ways. Here goes to getting both nipples, lip, and conch piercing all at the same time! Luckily my friend Taylor will come with me since he wants his lip done again. I'm seriously going to arrange it to have both piercers there at the same time and have them pierce the tits at the same time ...I've heard about them doing that and I hear its so much better and when I called, she said she would definitely be able to make that happen. Righteously radical. As for the tattoo, I'm going to ask my artist to draw something up with a beautiful couple of Blue Cornflowers....Germany's national flower. I've been wanting something to do with my German heritage for years and luckily they also represent "Prosperity, fortune, wealth, and friendship"....so all great things yeah? I'm going to get it going up my side and it will be a very sexy match to those abs I am truly working on,.......

Which is my last point. I finally did make it down to the gym, and I did quite enjoy it there. My stomach is sore and I love it. But if you can believe it, I weighed in at 103. That is the heaviest I have weighed in my life. I guess the number doesn't really matter, but I am not feeling toned in the slightest. That is why I posted this yoga picture, to remind me of my goals and how yoga and hoop and diligent working out will get me where I want to be. I just want to be so overall healthy, with great skin, hair, body, face, all that jazz....it just seems all so far away..............

Dreaming of you, Stranger Steven

This random life of mine.......

Yes, my sweet Shayna and I. Course she wasn't so sweet when she was threatening to murder everyone at the New Year's party. Hard to believe because it's so unlike her. But mind you, we were both messed up. This picture wasn't from that night though. Man, I knew crazy shit would go down but it got really crazy. I think she began feeling very vulnerable because of a certain substance and all of a sudden, she disappears. Like really, we could NOT find her.  We are an hour and a half away from home, in the middle of no where, but there were other houses around. So worried for over an hour, she had no phone, there was nothing to be done. Luckily neighbors drove up and dropped her off.

Just plain insane.

But its these memories we build together that make up a true friendship. Still though. Word of advice: No matter how much of a shitty time you are having somewhere, DON'T JUST WALK OFF ALONE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, SUPER WASTED, CREATING CHAOS AND STRESS FOR OVER 10 PEOPLE AT A PARTY THATS SUPPOSED TO BE A BLAST. lol.

Other random notes of the day, some positive some negative............................

*I don't remember if I mentioned getting a hoop. But I love this thing. I only hope to get better at it. And get some sick abs while I am at it. +
*Josh has been emailing me...apparently he is unhappy with his gf, he thinks of me a lot still. He doesn't have a job so there has been no word of paying me back unfortunately. But he has my stuff so we are supposed to meet up and trade. Who knows man, who knows.......crazy ex's coming back into your life? That's a +/-
*I'm really gonna be on myself about taking my Zinc. And doing skin care masks. I read my horoscope, which I rarely do, but it DID say that if I keep doing the same action without giving up, I will see results in a few weeks. So come on now, if I do this full-fledged...freakin acne needs to get out of my life!!! We'll make this one a + because we have hope for a future of a clear, pretty face....
*I got a job today. No shit. I turn in a resume, get a call, do an interview, and BAM im hired. How does this happen??? Cool thing is the barista is awesome. And shes got an awesome friend too. And she sounds boy/party crazy so Im in for it, I just know it. Im already trying to play it cool like Im kind of done with drugs for now but I have no clue what kinds of situations I will find myself in.....  ++++

So thats about it for today. I really will try to be better about journaling. I freakin need it.....